Sticks and Stones.....

Well, we've all heard that childhood lyric...."Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Yes, we've all mostly said it to ourselves or to others who we felt were hurting us. And as a child, with a child's mind and lack of thought processes, and experience, it all made perfect sense to us. PHYSICALLY this lyric has truth to it. Sticks and stones CAN physically hurt us in essence, however, words can NOT physically hurt us. That is the gist of the saying.....and it's thrown around as a child when someone uses unkind words towards them. Early on, we are conditioned to not take too much stock into the words that are spoken to us. It's a part of our survival instinct. Part of our protection. That saying gave many children, including myself, a certain "power" and "strength" to respond in a non threatening way to, well, basically, bullies. That is totally OK for kids to do....up to a point when they begin to understand and rationalize and process thoughts and feelings appropriately.

Because as adults, we KNOW how words can and DO effect us! How they HURT us. No, not physically, but emotionally, mentally and even spiritually. They hurt worse than a broken bone. Why? Because bones and bruises and scrapes heal in an allotted time frame. Emotions, our mental state of mind and spiritually take MUCH, MUCH longer to heal, if they heal at all, and in some cases, that is exactly how painful words can be to someone! We are ALL guilty of hurting someone with our words and we ALL have been hurt by them. We've all had those moments of getting defensive, and spewing some venom to make us feel better and feel like we're in control of that situation at hand. As soon as that venom is spewed, there's that moment of getting a sickening feeling that accompanies an "out of control" tongue when you realize what you've just said and why. If you don't feel that unbearable sensation, then it's from your heart and it's what you really feel. If it doesn't bother you, either right away or shortly afterwards, yet the recipient is visibly in pain or may even tell you how it hurt them, then I would highly suggest you kneel before the Lord and ask Him to change your heart and to search it. I say this in love because there are those who can't control their tongues and justify what they say as being OK because they have the "right" to speak what's on their minds, while leaving a trail of pain behind them. They are the entitled. They will attack someone on a personal level, not for edification or change, but as a defense, as control, and to compensate for their own insecurities and pains.

Sometimes, you can apologize and ask them for forgiveness and things will be OK. Then there other times, the pain has went way too deep and there is no turning back. There is inevitably the inability in taking those words back or mending whatever friendship or relationship one had to begin with. Words can actually devastate someone to the brink of destruction. But why? Why do words hurt so much and yet hurt differently in different people!? Part of that can be traced to their wounds from years ago, from abusive parents/siblings/guardians to abusive, bullying peers, to rejection and abandonment to even a mental illness. We all hurt differently, we all experience wounds on a different level because of our own journey in life. The sad thing is, none of us ever really know the "depths" of one's story or how the story became who they grew to be! Life is complicated. Our minds are even more complicated. Life is truly a journey and while some people take great pleasure in the journey, with all the bumps and bruises, all the greatness and ups and downs, others shy away from the experience because of past experiences that are holding them back. Suffocating them without them even knowing that they are slowing dying little by little. Some people can't let go of old wounds to the point of blocking any kind of healing that God may be trying to perform in one's life! While blocking the healing, they are also blocking some of the blessings that accompany letting go of the past. Let's all remember what the Bible says about words before moving forward and you will see, it has much to say!

Proverbs 12:18 - There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise health.

Proverbs 15:1 - A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.

Proverbs 18:21 - Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

Proverbs 21:23 - Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.

Psalms 19:14 - Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.

Luke 6:45 - A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.

Psalms 51:10 - Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.

Psalms 34:13 - Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile.

Ephesians 4:29 - Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

Luke 6:45 - A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart a brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.

Matthew 15:18 - But those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile a man.

And there's plenty more of the same throughout the Scriptures. God knew the power of the tongue and knew how devastating an uncontrolled tongue can be! God understood that words are death or life. He also knew we'd all fall victim to those words as well as being the perpetrator. He's given us many, many examples, commands and instructions on the importance of thinking before one speaks, not lashing out in anger or in defense mode and to speak words that will not cause harm. He's given us plenty of direction on choosing our words wisely and with thought and love. He instructs us to use careful judgment in our responses. There are plenty of reasons why there are so many directives about the tongue and its power! God also knows each one of our stories that make up who we are and through those stories, He wants to heal the wounds and soften the scars so we can be good, strong witnesses to others who have had and has wounds and scars too. He uses our own to help others but if we don't allow Him to heal our wounds and we hold on to the pain of the words that have been spoken into life over us, then what good will we be to those people that He will have our paths cross? Just some food for thought. I am, in no way, shape or form, diminishing emotional, mental or spiritual pain! God only knows I've had my share of it! I know how it stings, how it scars and wounds deeply, how it can change us, how it can isolate us, how it can deceive us, and how it can hold us captive in bondage!

I know how I used that pain to protect myself. I then took all of those words that wanted to destroy me and I became the perpetrator. I wanted to hurt before I was hurt. It's really a natural instinct in all of us because it's part of our sin nature. I became the one that spewed those words, who had an uncontrolled tongue. Oh, you talk about a horrible, sickening feeling! I lived like that because I didn't know any different. I was very young (teenager), very naive, still drinking milk as a young Christian and had no real experiences under my belt, other than the pain of what I felt in hearing the words I received. The mind is a powerful tool and what you allow INSIDE can either be for the good or for the bad! The great news though is that I also know the power of the Lord's healing hand too! The healing that took place in my heart, in my thoughts, in my mind was amazing! It wasn't overnight by any means and looking back, I don't think I would have wanted it that way! I'm no longer the one that feels the need to protect myself, even when someone has hurt me. I no longer get on the defensive and "want" to hurt someones feelings. I'm not perfect and on the rare occasion, I have slipped a time or ten and spewed something out before THINKING first, because I'm human, old wounds get reopened but I choose NOT to allow them to REMAIN opened because God has healed them. And it was just as I said above....I immediately felt that sickening, sinking feeling and I apologized! I FELT that sinking feeling because the Lord healed that part of me and the Holy Spirit speaks to our spirit that way!

Now just for clarification purposes, I'm not talking about sometimes having to be direct and speak truth's to someone because truth always hurts. That's not what the Scriptures are referring to and it's not what I'm speaking about in this article. It's important to know the difference because although speaking a spiritual and scriptural truth can hurt, it's to edify and grow someone and to change behaviors. But spewing harmful, degrading, emotionally harmful words at someone as a defense mechanism, or to control the outbursts of your own insecurities, or to just be mean because of whatever wounds you haven't resolved yet is what this article posting is about. This is about the uncontrolled tongue. The outburst of emotional mud slinging. The unapologetic pain that is rained on another. This is about the MOTIVES behind the words. When it's a personal attack, which is the majority of these kinds of uncontrollable words, there's ALWAYS a motive. Whether it's to harm, hurt, inflict emotional pain, protect oneself, control the situation or just to be mean, it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that the motives behind them is what the heart really IS! And if this is a commonplace "activity" in your life, then, speaking from experience, you need to kneel before the Lord, ask Him to replace all that is displeasing to Him with goodness and purity and to heal those wounds for good! Because we are still living in this fallen world and in these "sinful" bodies, we will still have a struggle from time to time, but I assure you, it's NOTHING like what it was BEFORE the healing hand of God healed your heart and changed your inability to control your tongue into a tongue controlled!

God delights in communication! He wants us to communicate with Him, getting to know Him on a personal, intimate level and in order to do that, we must be able to use our words! Communication is an integral form of bonding and forming relationships so what skill level we are in our communications, will determine the level of intimate friendships we hold, form and bond. Relationships of all kinds depend on communication skills. Words. Interaction WITH those words. Healthy words, Healthy communication. Healthy relationships. Our words can fatally wound someone without us even knowing it, or in many unhealed cases, with knowing it. They are capable of being stabbing, piercing and they can lash heart wounds to the ones we love, care for or are in contact with around us. They can destroy friendships, kill marriages, bring down companies, ruin churches and start wars. All of which have happened all because of "words" and an uncontrolled tongue. As I mentioned earlier, an uncontrolled tongue comes from someplace much darker and deeper than just spewing words out of a mouth. The story behind those that spew are oftentimes dark, deeply painful stories. "......for out of the abundance of his heart, the mouth speaks." 

So what is your heart full of? Here’s a short list of what flows from the normal human "full-of-yourself-instead-of-the-Holy-Spirit" heart:

1) hatred
2) jealousy
3) discord
4) factions
5) rage
6) idolatry
7) selfish ambition
8) selfishness
9) strife

Ouch! Right? Well, here's the full list from the Bible found in Galatians 5:19-21, "The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; v20) idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions v21) and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God."

There's hope though!! Here’s what flows from a heart that's full of the Spirit:

1) love
2) joy
3) peace
4) patience
5) kindness
6) goodness
7) faithfulness
8) gentleness
9) self-control

Galatians 5:22-23, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law." What a contrast, right?! We should always fill up with the Spirit before even thinking about opening our mouths. The contrast of the two can be shown through relationships very easily! The first example of the normal human heart without the Spirit will not flourish a relationship, won't grow it, won't maintain it, and definitely won't keep it. The second example of the heart WITH the Spirit speaks volumes and should be our example of how we should always, always, always, start the communication process there, with the fruits of the spirit filled heart!

When God created the heavens and the earth he spoke it into existence. That's power in the tongue! When He said let there be light, there was light. His word says we will do greater works which is another spoken word over us that will manifest in our lives because we are His children. Since the Lord said we WILL do greater works, and the Word says the POWER is our tongue, we should be able to speak to that bad situation in our lives and let it be moved. We don't need to speak of the problem, but rather speak about  the solution through the Word. The enemy is behind all of the negativity that we speak, every bad thought we allow to be spoken from our tongues. The enemy gets us to continue speaking negative words to get us entangled in what I call mind battles! Why is that? First and foremost, he wants us to feel defeated and ignore the Word of our Father! To him, ignorance really IS bliss. The enemy doesn't want us to renew our minds like the Apostle Paul tells us in Romans 12:3, "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." The enemy definitely doesn't want us to know the power WE have through the Lord Jesus Christ to speak to situations! The Bible says that God's people perish from lack of knowledge! As you can see, knowledge is POWER!

Words HURT!

You see, just one word from the mouth of a human may not SEEM like very much, or that it's very powerful, to the one who actually says it, however, it can accomplish or destroy nearly anything.
How we choose to use words can ultimately kill our character or build our character. The power of our language can have a positive or negative effect because there are positive reactions or negative reactions in everything. The words we choose to speak can seriously express true attitudes and those attitudes can ultimately be very contagious. So as you can see, the choice is a conscience one and can produce good attitudes or bad. I am one of those people who listen intently to the words that someone actually chooses to speak because to me, those words are what comes directly from their hearts and what they truly feel or mean to say in the first place. I give slack to youth obviously and I do take into consideration the person and their back story, if one is known, but overall, I know we have a choice of what words we will ultimately allow out of our mouths with thought so I pay attention to WHAT others say as well as HOW it's said, how it's delivered. Was it said with contempt? Or was it just misspoken? Was it said as a personal attack? Was it malicious? Because, when I was healed of my own issue with this, I took the words to heart that I read in the Bible. "......for out of the abundance of his heart, the mouth speaks." 

In his epistle to the early New Testament church James wrote these words about the words that humans speak. Let's take a look at those words:

James 3:2-12, "For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body. 3) Indeed, we put bits in horses’ mouths that they may obey us, and we turn their whole body. 4) Look also at ships: although they are so large and are driven by fierce winds, they are turned by a very small rudder wherever the pilot desires. 5) Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles! 6) And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell. 7) For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by mankind. 8) But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. 9) With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God. 10) Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so. 11) Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? 12) Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Thus no spring yields both salt water and fresh."

Words can be extremely destructive however, at the opposite end of the spectrum, what we say can also be encouraging, edifying and uplifting. The writer of Proverbs said it best when he pinned these words in Proverbs 16:24, "Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body." As for what we say and how we say it, I think King David had some great advice. He wrote in Psalm 19:14, "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer.” What we say and how we say it is an indicator of the condition of our heart. Colossians 4:6, Paul tells us, "Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one." Since we are held responsible for every word we speak, I think we would be wise to listen very carefully to what we are saying, not just to our brethren, or people we meet and cross paths with, but also to ourselves. Has anyone ever said something negative to you, something that even you couldn't believe they said, and you just wilted and shrunk and felt like you had just literally died inside? Or perhaps they said some absolutely beautiful words to you, something that lifted you up, edified you, then you just blossomed like a flower? This is the very ways of the tongue. So, therefore, let us tend to life with our tongue, which may seem to impossible at times, but be assured that with God all things are possible! Mark 9:23!

The tongue, even though it's among the smallest of all the members of the body, can do the most damage. As James 3:5 states, "Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles!" 

The RIGHT Response Heals!

Proverbs 12:18,  "There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise health." This is very closely related to Ephesians 4:29 except that it gives us a much more vivid description of what words can do…particularly rash, harsh words or words spoken in anger or contempt. Words have meaning so when they are spoken too quickly, they can be like a sword that is thrust deeply into the heart of the hearers. The tongue of the wise, on the other hand, can bring much healing. God’s Word cuts like a knife because it's truth, but His word cuts like a knife in order to heal, to mend the broken, to bring reality into life, to change an internal heart. But rash, harsh and harmful words never do this…they can, and do, bring irreparable harm to the ones they are spoken to. When others hear what comes out of our mouths, it should bring them hope, power and life through Jesus Christ. If we don't guard our tongue, it can truly kill the perception that God wants to truly reflect through us! So the condition of your heart totally depends on the things you allow into your heart. These things ultimately form your thoughts and attitudes, and eventually, shape the deepest part of your being. Your heart is who you are. It's your spirit. It's whatever you allow to reside there. That's why we have been instructed to guard it so diligently! In essence, if wrong things are allowed in our hearts and go unattended, they WILL become deeply rooted and become harder and harder to deal with. The sooner that you can realize and acknowledge a wrong heart condition, the sooner you can get it straightened out and the better off you will be. You see, that which comes out of the mouth is an expression of what is REALLY in the heart. In Matthew 12:34 the Lord Jesus clearly stated that it is not really a MOUTH PROBLEM, but it is a HEART PROBLEM. Words are like FRUIT ("the fruit of our lips"). If the fruit is bad, something must be wrong with the root (MAN’S HEART). Remember, when wrong, harsh, harmful or filthy words flow out of a person's mouth, he is showing everyone a picture of his heart. A quick snapshot of what resides inside of their heart! This is partially why first impressions are usually lasting. The words that a person chooses to speak, reveal plenty about the state of that person’s heart and much can be learned about the person doing the speaking!

Words are extremely powerful. Words can CREATE close friendships or they surely can DESTROY friendships. They can bring laughter or motivate tears. Words can hurt and harm and they can heal and help. Have you ever seen a person EXPLODE like an erupting volcano in a fit of anger? Sometimes, you can see the increasing volatility building. Sometimes you can hear it welling from a place deep within. When the human volcano erupts, it usually explodes through the mouth! The angrier the person gets, the louder the words get, the harsher the words become. The louder the words get, the harsher the words become, the angrier the person gets! It's a vicious cycle and sometimes, the end results in two people "exploding" with their fists. It's the escalation because the cycle hadn't been broken nor had anyone diffused the situation with soft words. Soft words quench anger’s fire! Loud, angry, harsh, or harmful words only stir up wrath and inflicts pain and possibly opens up old wounds.

Part of our spiritual wellness is how well we talk! Yes. How well we talk! I am not going to go into the different types of talkers, because, well, that's not as important in closing this post as being the "gracious" talker and its outcome as well as the importance of proper talking.
1. A gracious talkers speech leads to edification.
    a. That which encourages and builds up - Ephesians 4:29
    b. That which extends grace to others - Colossians 4:6
2. A gracious talkers speech expresses thankfulness
    a. Which is fitting saints - Ephesians 5:3-4
    b. An attitude of gratitude befits saints - Colossians 1:12; 2:7; 3:15,17; 4:2
    c. Not befitting saints is complaining - Philippians 2:14
Jesus said we are to take our speech seriously and for that, it should be a sobering thought! We ought to give careful thought and consideration concerning the words we use, and choose to speak because it is imperative that our speech be in keeping with God's standards!

The importance of proper talking then should make us ask ourselves what exactly does our words we choose to speak reveal about us?
A. WORDS REVEAL OUR HEARTS...
      1. Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks - Matthew 12:34
      2. Our Speech reveals the kind of treasure that is stored in our heart - Matthew 12:35
B. WORDS OFTEN HURT OTHERS...
      1. Lying and flattery can be destructive - Proverbs 26:28
      2. Gossip creates strife, and can also destroy friendships - Proverbs 16:27-28; 17:9
      3. Neighborly relations/relationships can be destroyed - Proverbs 11:9
      4. The tongue can be a destructive fire and a very potent, powerful poison - James 3:5-8
C. WORDS CAN BLESS OTHERS....
      1. By cooling down over-heated conversations - Proverbs 15:1
      2. By comforting the anxious - Proverbs 12:25; 16:24
      3. By delighting those who hear - Proverbs 15:4,23; 25:11
      3. By offering grace to the hearers - Ephesians 4:29; Colossians 4:6
      -- Do our words impart grace to the hearers?--

We should never forget the power of speech...it can hurt others and hurt ourselves, but it also can bless others and bring glory to God! As we examine our spiritual well-being, as we should examine it from time to time, let's not only give attention to how well we hear, read, pray, serve and sing, but let's also give prayerful attention to how well we talk, because afterall, there is life and death in the power of the tongue and from the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks!!

Psalm 19:14 is the most awesome, honest prayer of David that we all should pray, "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart Be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my strength and my Redeemer."

SO? WHAT'S THE CONDITION OF YOUR HEART TODAY?



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